Advice and Tips
Therapist's Views of Polyamory
There is a perception within the polyamorous community; however, that therapists are not well-informed about their lifestyles and needs. This limits the extent to which polyamorous individuals feel that they have access to quality mental health services. Some polyamorous individuals report a reluctance to seek therapy due to fear of bias. Textbooks about “normal family functioning” do not include references to polyamorous lifestyles, and this contributes further to ignorance about polyamory on the part of mainstream therapists. There is no research done with polyamory to provide any evidence as to the psychological harm polys experience.
"What Psychology Professionals Should Know About Polyamory." What Psychology Professionals Should Know About Polyamory. N.p., 12 Mar. 1999. Web. 12 Mar. 2016.
Is Polyamory harmful to children?
It is commonly assumed that children are harmed by having more than two parents. However, there are children that interact with multiple parents in their lifetime. A monogamous couple divorces and both remarry. Then their children will grow up with two mother figures and two father figures. There are cultures where polygamy is permitted and children are raised with various mothers. A sociology professor assistant at Georgia State University is conducting research on thirty families who engage in polyamory. However, this group is too small and she would like to double her group before publishing any findings. The issue is that funding on polyamory is scarce which limits the amount of research that can be done. Not only does it limit the amount of research that is conducted but it also discourages people from conducting research because the lack of funding creates a barrier.
Anapol, Deborah. "Polyamory and Children." Psychology Today. Sussex Publisher, 25 Mar. 2011. Web. 12 Mar. 2016
Strategies for Non-oppressive Polyamory
Don’t treat your partners like they’re less or more than one another based on super hierarchical divisions. Numbering and ranking don’t make for resistive queer relationships; openness and compassion do. Your secondary partners are not secondary people–they’re just not the folks you might devote the most time or energy to in a particular way.
Avoid creating situations in which your partners are competing for your affections, as if you’re a scarce capitalist commodity. This is especially true if you have some position of power over most of your partners. Like if you’re masculine-of-center and mostly date femmes. Or if you’re a White person, and all your partners are POC, in which case you should question the ways your body has all these colonial legacies of beauty privilege attached to it. Your partners aren’t ‘lucky’ because you’re dating them–this goes both ways.
Do not by any means claim your partners as social justice trophies. Your dates have names, so you don’t need to introduce them as [XYZ marginalized person]. You don’t get ally points this way.
Remember that polyamory doesn’t make you radical all on its own, regardless of which directions your desire is oriented. We all have these preferences based on race, class, ability, gender, etc. that need deep work and questioning. Dating 5 White cisgender people at once isn’t necessarily a radical act.
Avoid the ‘gotta catch ’em all’ theory of dating. Being super non-consensually cruisy and privilege-denying doesn’t make for healthy communities. Nor does refusing to be in community with folks if there’s not a possibility that you could date or fuck them.
Don’t police other people’s monogamy or other relationship structures. You can do your thing, but everyone else has their own circumstances too, often informed by class, ability, leisure time, and racialized ideas of sluthood–all of these might limit someone’s access to non-monogamy. Not everyone wants to or can fuck/date multiple people.
Keep in mind that ‘poly’ is not a category of oppression in and of itself. This is not a monogamist-supremacist world. There are material privileges that support your access to the possibility of non-monogamy–i.e. the fact that you are able to make this choice.
Recognize that your non-romantic and non-sexual relationships are also real and valid! Keep your understanding of love broad and political accordingly. Other folks might not need or want as many lovers as you because they’re engaged in different varieties of relationship-building.
Finally, remember that polyamory is not a new or edgy concept invented in the Western world. It’s a millennia-old idea to have and value multiple relations. Let’s avoid perpetuating that cultural erasure.
"9 Strategies For Non-Oppressive Polyamory - BGD." BGD. N.p., 04 Oct. 2013. Web. 12 Mar. 2016.