There are fundamental differences between erotic power exchange and domestic violence (abuse). Erotic power exchange should always be based on the "VICSS" concept. Anything else is abuse.

 

What is VICSS?

VICSS is an acronym whose letters stand for these concepts:

 

• Voluntary: all partners involved in erotic power exchange activities of whatever nature should decide to do so of their own free will and choice and without any force applied. Sometimes the element of "force" may be hidden. Such can be the case if either of the parties faces (or fears to be faced with) economical or social repercussions if he or she does not go along with what the other partner(s) wants. This may be the case, for example, if colleagues at work enter into EPE-activities, or within a marriage. If either of the partners feels forced, for whatever reason, the situation is non-voluntary.

• Informed: all partners involved in erotic power exchange should base their decision to do so on correct information and should be able to judge the situation and possible consequences. A simple "yes" often is not enough, especially in cases where it is doubtful whether the person saying "yes" does or can know what the implications are or can be.

• Consenual: all partners involved should agree to what's going to happen (or is happening) and should have the possibility to evaluate previous decisions in the event they're faced with emotions, reactions or information they feel is of importance to their situation.

• Sane: decisions with respect to erotic power exchange activities should be made when all partners involved are of a clear mind. Consent that results from the use of drugs, alcohol or the rush or the situations is not consent.

• Safe: erotic power exchange activities should be safe, both physically and mentally and in the event physical or mental risks are taken - for example in an edge play situation - people should be well informed about the possible risks, implications and repercussions.

 

Moral or Ethical Code

 

Although the majority of the people involved in erotic power exchange usually have very high moral and ethical standards, there's no standard moral or ethical code when it comes to erotic power exchange. Since EPE is such a personal and intimate activity it's questionable if such a moral code can be produced at all. This means that people who are into erotic power exchange activities very much depend on their own judgment, often without references.

 

Seeking advice is difficult, since it may be very hard to find a reliable source - in general terms as well as with respect to your own personal situation. However, there are some general rules of thumb to go by when evaluating your personal position or a situation you are about to enter:

 

• Respect: Any erotic power exchange relationship should be based on mutual respect. In the event you have doubts about this, it is very likely there is something wrong.

• Communication: Communication is paramount when it comes to erotic power exchange. Communication is a two-way street. If you feel your arguments, feelings and thoughts are disregarded you have stumbled on another warning signal.

• Relationship: In general - disregarding incidental kick-seeking - erotic power exchange can only flourish within a sound and solid relationship.

• Dominance and ego: Dominance is not male chauvinism. Although it's sometimes very hard to draw the lines in individual cases, ego trips are out of the question when it comes to erotic power exchange.

 

It's a mistake to think only the submissive can be "persuaded" into something s/he does not want. It happens to dominants as well - submissives can sometimes be very persistent.

Recognizing domestic violence

 

Domestic violence is a pattern of intentional intimidation for the purpose of dominating, coercing, or isolating another without his/her consent. Abuse tends to be cyclical in nature and escalates over time. By asking yourself the following questions and watching for the following signals you can evaluate the situation you're in (note that evaluating anyone else's situation is often nearly impossible):

 

Physical signals

• Does your partner ever hit, choke, slap, or otherwise physically hurt you? (erotic power exchange scenes excluded)

• Has he or she ever restrained you against your will, locked you in a room or used a weapon of any kind?

• Are you afraid of your partner?

• Does your partner constantly or frequently criticize your performance, withhold sex as a means of control or ridicule you for the limits you do set?

• Do you feel obliged to have sex?

• Does your partner use sex to make up after a violent incident?

 

Isolation

• Does your partner isolate you from friends, family or groups?

• Does your partner prohibit you from taking part in social events or activities?

 

Property

• Has your partner ever destroyed objects?

• Has your partner ever threatened pets?

 

Economical

• Does your partner limit access to work or to material resources?

• Has he/she ever stolen from you or run up debts?

 

Emotional/Psychological

• Are you or your partner emotionally dependent on one another?

• Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close?

• Is your partner constantly criticizing you, humiliating you, and generally undermining your self-esteem?

• Do you feel you can't discuss what's bothering you with your partner?

 

Abuse Within an Erotic Power Exchange Relationship

 

Although it doesn't occur often, abuse within an erotic power exchange relation does occur. Rape and forced sexual acts are not part of consensual S/M. Battering is not "agreed" upon. Domestic violence is not the same as consensual S/M. As a result of their sexual orientation, abused persons who are in an erotic power exchange relationship may suffer additional isolation and may hesitate to turn to available resources for fear of rejection or of giving credence to stereotypes. These are question that may help you evaluate whether or not your situation is an abusive one:

 

• Are you confused about when a scene begins and ends?

• Does your partner ever ignore your safe words or pressure you not to use them?

• Has she or he ever violated your limits?

• Do you feel "trapped" in a specific role (submissive or dominant)?

• Does your partner use scenes to express or cover up anger and frustration?

 

 

 

 

Why BDSM Relationships Are Not Abuse

Author: Raven Shadowborne © 1998

Used with Author’s permission

 

Many people look at a BDSM relationship and see only the physical s/m play that many of us in the lifestyle enjoy. What they see is one person beating another. What they don't see, or refuse to see is what is behind that physical play. They don't see what led up to creating the relationship the way it is. They don't see the pleasure each participant is receiving. They are blinded by what society has called an epidemic of domestic violence. Society teaches that striking a woman under any circumstances is wrong. Because of this, when someone looks at a BDSM relationship all they see is the hitting. Here, I will attempt to show what separates BDSM from domestic violence. 

   BDSM is based on consent. Domestic violence is not. You can argue that a battered person does consent by their refusal to leave or fight back. But, the psychological make up of a battered person prevents such refusal, therefor making them incapable of an informed decision to consent. In BDSM the submissive consents fully before hand to the activities which will take place. Through the negotiation period before the relationship becomes a committed one, the submissive usually discusses their needs, wants, desires, likes and dislikes as far as play is concerned. The dominant and submissive are well informed of each other's preferences. It is because of this information, that both are capable of making the informed choice to consent. In an abusive relationship, the abuser does not tell his/her victim that there will be physical violence and emotional subjugation. The victim has no idea that this will occur. From this lack of information, the victim in no way, has made an informed choice to consent. This is the biggest difference between BDSM relationships and ones of domestic violence, informed choice to consent. 

   Other differences are psychological in nature. In an abusive relationship, the abuser works out of fear. Fear of losing his/her partner. This fear is so overwhelming that they must control their partner as completely as possible. Make him/her completely dependent on them, and set out to do so in a fairly similar pattern. First comes the emotional and psychological breakdown of the victim's self esteem which includes alienating the victim from any possible support. Placing the victim in a more psychologically and physically vulnerable position, which makes it possible for the physical abuse to take place and the victim believes they "deserve" it. In a BDSM relationship, the dominant sets about to build up the submissive. Increasing his/her self-esteem. Teaching and guiding them in areas where they need improvement. Those areas being ones the submissive themselves agree on and consents to the guidance. A dominant does not alienate his/her submissive from their friends or family. Again, consent and prior knowledge play a key role. The dominant does not tear down his submissive, destroying her self image and her self esteem. The dominant does the opposite. 

   In a BDSM relationship there must be complete trust between the dominant and submissive. This trust from the submissive, includes trusting the dominant with their very life. A firm belief that the dominant has only their best interests at heart and will do nothing intentionally to harm them. The dominant trusts that the submissive will uphold his/her rules and do the best he/she can to meet their role in the relationship. In a domestic violence relationship, there is no trust. The victim fears the abuser, fears for their very life.  The abuser does not trust him/herself nor their partner to be faithful, committed, etc. A submissive may fear possible punishment for a mistake, but in a healthy BDSM relationship, the submissive does NOT fear the dominant themselves.  

   In a BDSM relationship, the b/d and s/m activities (pain play, and bondage) are done for mutual satisfaction. Both parties get some kind of emotional and/or physical pleasure from the activities. Many submissives eagerly anticipate a pain play session, be it a flogging, spanking or other type of pain play. They get great sexual arousal and emotional satisfaction from such activities. Bring into this the existence of sub space (that place where pain no longer hurts, and many liken it to flying, a natural high) and the pleasure a submissive can receive from these activities is even greater. The dominant as well receives pleasure. Be they a sadist who enjoys giving pain, or a non-sadist who gets off on the reaction of their partner, either way it is a pleasurable experience for him/her as well. Each participant is getting their needs met. In a domestic violence situation, the victim receives no pleasure from pain. They do not crave it, or in any other way want it. It is forced upon them at the whims of their abuser and is done so in a destructive manner. Designed to destroy the self-esteem of the victim. In no way does it mutually meet the needs of both participants.  

   In a BDSM relationship the submissive serves the dominant because they want to. It makes them feel good to do so. It fulfills a need in them, giving them peace, contentment, a sense of wholeness that is lacking when they do not have a dominant to serve. As well as by giving their submission to the dominant, they receives in return what they need to satisfy their inner desires, that being the dominance that only a dominant person can give them. In an abusive relationship the victim "serves" the abuser out of fear of reprisal, that fear can run as deeply as fearing for their very lives. They do not get any emotional or physical pleasure from serving. They do not get psychological completeness from their service.  

   There are other differences between the two, on both emotional and psychological levels. There are far less abusive relationships in BDSM than there are in the community at large. BDSM is, for so many people, just another way of expressing their love, commitment and desire for their partner. It is done is a safe, sane and consensual manner.